For many, the holidays bring a complicated mix of emotions — excitement alongside anxiety, gratitude intertwined with grief, and joy mixed with exhaustion.
Recently, we spoke with Joan Asseff, a clinical associate professor and assistant dean for master’s programs at The University of Texas at Austin’s School of Social Work, about how to navigate the holiday season with greater ease and well-being.
From tips for spending the holidays alone to navigating loss and fighting against burnout, here’s what she shared.
How can I manage difficult family interactions during the holidays?
I think we always see the holiday season as full of happy times and joy and special events, but we also know there can be challenging issues that come up with family members and friends. There can also be loss and grief that folks are navigating and many other issues.
One important strategy is to anticipate potential triggers that can come up during the holiday season and plan ahead, especially thinking about communication strategies that you might want to use with specific family members or in specific situations.
“I” statements can help reduce shame or blame in a conversation and [help] focus on expressing your preferences and wishes. So, for example, we might say, “I would prefer not to talk about that today so that we can really enjoy the holiday season.”
Even if we don’t agree with something that a family member or friend has said, we can validate the emotions that they’re expressing. For example, I might say, “This sounds really important to you. Thank you for bringing it up. I’d prefer if we discussed it at another time.” So, I’ve validated that person. I have shown them respect, but I’ve also gently redirected them to a different topic, a more neutral topic that we can both enjoy and discuss together.
I think it’s also important in de-escalation to remember that we can take a timeout and respectfully excuse ourselves from a situation. We might say, “I need to get a breath of fresh air,” or “I need to refill my plate and get some more food.” And we can always excuse ourselves from a situation that might feel emotionally or physically unsafe if we’ve tried everything else in terms of boundary setting and de-escalation.
What if I’m spending the holidays alone?
Many people find themselves, for a wide range of reasons, spending the holiday by themselves. Maybe folks are deployed overseas, or maybe they are working and they’re not able to spend a lot of time with their family members. There are many reasons that this situation can occur.
Think about something you really enjoy doing, and to plan out the holiday season so that when that solo time comes, you have something joyful to look forward to.
So, for example, one might say, “I am going to prepare a meal that I really enjoy, and I am going to spend some time out in nature in an area that’s really special to me. Then, I’m going to put on my favorite movie this evening and really enjoy the holiday.” Those are some strategies that give us something to look forward to and help us find joy in meaning.
Another important strategy is to practice self-compassion. So really assigning no meaning at all to the fact that you’re not spending time with family. Again, there are so many different reasons that can occur. Practicing self-compassion can give you the opportunity to think about what you are grateful for. [You could] maybe even journal around gratitude and what makes you hopeful for the coming year.
How can I support someone who is grieving during the holidays?
There are many people who are coping with grief and loss during the holiday season. Since the season is full of joy and excitement, it’s not often a topic that comes up, and there’s not often a lot of space for someone to really talk about what they’re going through.
One important strategy is to simply make that space and time for someone to talk about their grief, to express their emotions openly, and to have support. That act alone can really go a long way.
Another strategy is to create rituals and meaning-making activities. It can be something as simple as lighting a candle to remember the person who is no longer with us during the holidays. Rituals can also be more complex if that would be meaningful for the family or for the person. For example, you could plan a trip to the place that your loved one enjoyed, or you could sing a song that reminds you of your loved one.
Another important strategy is to just practice good self-care and to also think about seeking support. Support groups for those who have lost loved ones can be meaningful settings where someone can talk about what it’s like to be grieving during the holiday season. When you can connect with others who are going through that same experience, it can be very impactful and transformative.
How do I deal with the pressure to have a “perfect” holiday?
Most of us feel that pressure at some point during the holiday season. This may sound like a simple answer, but it really is impactful and compelling, which is just pushing back against that perfectionistic thinking and telling ourselves that we are not going to have the perfect holiday. In fact, no one has the perfect holiday season.
Shifting that conversation is so important and thinking about how we can make meaning out of the holiday experiences. How we can prioritize our core values and beliefs and our connections with people that we want to see, people that we care about.
Many of us feel compelled to decorate the entire house or plan the entire holiday meal, and delegating those tasks to others can really help us focus on the meaning-making for ourselves and for our families, rather than trying to complete a long to-do list that can be stressful and overwhelming.
What are the signs of burnout, and how can I prevent it?
There are a wide range of signs and symptoms that folks might exhibit during the holiday that let us know they might be experiencing burnout. Some of those are sleep disturbance, overeating, or possibly taking in substances that are unhealthy.
If we start to see those signs and symptoms, we really recommend that folks connect with family and peers who can provide them with support or a professional, such as a counselor, therapist, or even someone in their faith community who can help them with some of these signs and symptoms.
We know that a busy holiday season can leave us feeling depleted, overwhelmed, sometimes even disappointed if things didn’t go exactly how we had hoped. So, it’s a really good time, especially when we’re setting goals for the new year, to think about what feeds us, what lifts us up, what would we like to do to focus on our own self-care?
You can think about: Is there a new exercise regimen that will feed me, that will make me feel better, that will make me want to get up and get outside and be around people?
The holiday season can often be very focused on pleasing others, and often our own needs, our own well-being, is put on the back burner. Making time for our own enjoyment can be a great way to reset and really tend to your own well-being.
What’s your main takeaway for people navigating the holidays?
One takeaway that I would really emphasize is that the holiday season really is yours. It’s what you make of it. We receive a lot of messages about how the holiday season should be, and I encourage you to ignore those and focus on what a meaningful holiday season is for you, because that’s what’s most important during this time of year.
