President Gregory L. Fenves has convened a special task force in order to increase efficiency within the university.
Fenves appointed lame duck Student Body President Xavier Rotnofsky and lamer duck Vice President Rohit Mandalapu to co-chair the Task Force on Efficient Efficiency. They both agreed to serve after 14 weeks of trying to decide whether or not they should do it. The task force has spent the last two weeks compiling feedback from the university, which was challenging at first because Rotnofsky and Mandalapu lost the original batch of 3,200 surveys. Based on the new data they compiled, here are their efficient solutions, efficiently devised to efficiently improve university efficiency.
The task force values public feedback and has made it very easy to submit suggestions. If you have ideas for improving efficiency, write down your thoughts and mail them to P.O. Box #179, 389 West Bay Rd., Grand Cayman, Cayman Islands. An old woman named Gwyneth picks up the mail there every three months and places each individual suggestion into a glass bottle which she then tosses into the Caribbean Sea. Most suggestions end up washing ashore on Galveston Beach after riding the Caribbean Current for five months. Then a man named Marv (who doesn’t know English very well) finds the glass bottles, types up the suggestions within, and sends them to the task force’s special e-mail (which must be kept secret for transparency reasons).
Disclaimer: April Fools’!